My daughter’s 5th grade teacher gave her a tiny little caterpillar in a baby food container with holes punched in the top.  On the first day, the caterpillar was so tiny, like a black chunk of who-knows-what.  I tried to show it to her sister and she jumped back because she thought it was like a mole or something I had had removed at the doctor.  Come. on.  I’m not that gross.  The teacher told us that the caterpillar would eat for 6-ish days straight and then create a chrysalis to hang from the top of the container.  Then, in another four days, it would emerge as a butterfly.  I’m officially living in wonder.

Of course, I know this story.  I’ve read the books.  I’ve seen the butterflies.  I taught 3rd grade.  But something about watching this little tiny sliver of nothing has me full of wonder this week.  Currently, we are on day 6, waiting for it to create its chrysalis.  I know it’s getting close.  It has quintupled in size and it’s making its way to the top of the container.

I learn so much about God just by paying attention.  So I asked him…show me what you want me to see.

Here are the big lessons this week…

1.  We don’t have to know how it’s going to turn out.

Have you ever been really stressed about something in your life and you really just wanted to fast forward to the end to see how it would turn out?  Yeah, me too.  I don’t know this for sure, but I don’t think this tiny little black thing knows he’s going to be beautiful in 4 days.  I don’t think he has any idea that every time a child sees him fluttering around the yard, she will announce, “Look!  A butterfly!”  I bet he has no idea that he’s about to be the only insect that people actually enjoy having land on them.  But he just does the next right thing.  He does what he knows to do next.  He’s not focused on how it will turn out.  He’s focused on today and what God shows him to do right now.  I need to do more. of. that.

2.  We are created with a specific purpose in mind. 

I’m watching this little guy and my mind is blown that he actually knows what to do.  He eats and eats.  That seems natural.  But how does he know how to create the chrysalis?  How does he know when to start it? I couldn’t make a chrysalis for myself if I tried, but this little guy can.  Because God created him with this purpose in mind.  He was made for this, specifically.  In the same way, and even more so, every human being is created with a specific purpose in mind.  We are not here to toil and just work and get by.  No way. 

He’s given each of us specific gifts to carry out very important purposes here on earth.  If he cares that much to give the caterpillar a job, don’t you think he cares so much more for you?  I’m absolutely certain of it.  If you don’t know what you’re made for, ask someone who loves you to tell you what you’re good at.  That might give you a hint about your purpose.  What makes you come alive?  Ask God to show you and then really pay attention over the next few days as He reveals it to you.

3.  We were created to live in wonder. 

I think this is really important.  Because wonder leads to worship.  And worship takes our eyes off of our problems and shifts them to our problem solver.  We are made for wonder and worship.

I don’t want to throw anyone under the bus here, but we had people over to our house the other day.  I was showing them the caterpillar, and most of them were like, meh. 

Meh?  Meh?  How can you not be filled with wonder at this little guy??  We lose our wonder as we get older if we don’t nurture it, and we rarely notice that it is happening. 

Have you ever seen a little boy run outside to watch the garbage truck pick up his trash can?  He’s full of wows, eyes wide open.  He is embracing the wonder of something exciting. 

How about a grown man…have you ever seen a grown man run outside to watch the garbage truck?  I’m guessing that’s a no.  So what happened in the in-between?  The truck didn’t change.  The man’s attitude toward the truck changed.  It’s still a cool truck.  It’s still cool to watch it do its job.  The caterpillar, the sunset, the people, the birds, the phone calls out of the blue, the person you “coincidentally ran into.”  These are all big wows.  Allow your mind and body and spirit to live in that wow space.  Don’t you dare lose that.  God is all around us, doing incredible miracles, pointing us back to him.  Keep your eyes wide open and allow these little miracles to amaze you and move your gaze back to the one who created them.  Live with wonder.  Let yourself say wow all day long.  Wow.  Wonder.  Worship.

4.  God is always working on something beautiful. 

Guys, this is important to me.  You know that little black chunk that my daughter thought might be a mole?  That ugly little thing is about to sit at the top of the insect pyramid.  Oh yeah.  Just wait.  And you know the ugly stuff in your life?  God can and will turn that into something that is actually beautiful too.  If you let him.  If you hang in there with him.  If you listen to him.  If you walk with him through it.  Something beautiful is coming.

5.  We can listen to God for him to tell us what to do next. 

God will show you what to do next.  He’s telling this caterpillar to eat and eat.  And then after that, he’s telling him what comes next.  He does the same for us.  The Bible is a gift to show us the way.  I love what Beaver Fleming says about it.  “As you continue to look into his Word, his Word becomes your word.  And you start speaking differently and start acting differently.”  His Word is not a book of rules.  It is God’s best for you.  Read it every day and let it become part of you.  He will light your path as you read it.  He will speak to you and guide you.  The bible also says  that you will hear God’s voice telling you which way to go, if you are walking with Him.  Listen to his guidance.  This is the way, walk in it.  He delights in our connectedness to him.  He delights when we listen.  He delights in showing us what to do next.  Why in the world would we want to do it on our own?  Ask and listen and wait for him to show you what to do next.

Update:  He was hanging from the top of the container like a big fat caterpillar.  I went to take a shower and came back an hour later.  He had already made the chrysalis.  I’m a little bummed because I wanted to watch the process.  How did he do that so fast?  Mind officially blown.  Wow.  Everything is just wow.  

 

Somewhere in the middle of the desert, on our way to California, there are a bunch of palm trees that had their tops blown off in a lightning storm.  I have often wondered why they didn’t remove them because they really are unsightly.  I read something today saying that now these remnants of palm trees make a great habitat for swallows, starlings, barn owls and great horned owls. (Chrissy Kelly)

I read this, and my soul let out a big yes.

This really is what life is like

Sometimes things look bad or ugly or even disastrous, but there is always something beautiful coming next.  

They could have removed these “trees” after the beautiful parts were ripped off by the storm.  I would have.  But they didn’t.  But because they didn’t, the remnants were turned into perfect homes for birds in search of refuge.

Maybe you feel like you’ve suffered a great loss

A job, a dream, a relationship, a loved one.  Maybe you feel like the remnant is ugly and beyond redemption.  Maybe you feel like your life cannot be recovered.  I’ve felt like that too.  

But I want to remind you that that is not how God works.  The thought that because of a loss, this is the end for you, is just a lie.

It seems that our brains are wired with a negativity bias, meaning that loss is more painful to us than gain is delightful to us, roughly twice as painful.  In other words, we are typically more upset about losing $20 than we are happy about finding $20.  This is a phenomenon referred to as loss aversion.  We hate losing things.  And we all know this.

However, God is the master of taking our ugliest circumstances and turning them into something beautiful.  Sometimes they are beautiful just for us.  And sometimes they create a beautiful safe place for someone else.

And then your focus shifts

11 years ago, I gave birth to our 4th daughter.  I fell in love with her the moment I saw her.  Soon after she was born, she was diagnosed with a rare genetic syndrome, and I was told she would live 7-14 years.

The next few years were really a daily struggle to try to live in what I call the in-between—taking care of my medically fragile child, while also trying hard not to allow the anticipation of death to devour me every day.  That is truly a hard place to live.

One particular day I remember well, we had returned home from a hospital stay.  I was exhausted, physically and mentally.  I was barely holding it together.  I got on my knees and cried out to God.  I remember asking him why.  Why had he given me sadness?  Why had he given me a heavy load to carry?  And I really, really wanted to hear his answer.  No matter what it was.

I sat in silence, waiting.

All I heard from him was she is my mercy in your life.

I have never forgotten—partly because it was so clear, what I heard.  Not out loud, but such a clear knowing deep in my mind, in my soul, in my spirit, and not at all something I would have come up with on my own.  And partly because I really wanted to know what he meant by that.  Because our struggles really seemed like the opposite of mercy.

What I’ve discovered since that day is that because of our daughter, I have found a safe refuge too. 

I have found a great habitat, hidden with Christ in God.  I have found a new perspective on…really every single thing in my life.  I have a relationship with God that I’d never known. 

I see wonder and beauty and amazement in every single child.  I was stripped of my judgmental nature.  I was humbled of my certainties.  I was stopped in my pursuit of things that really don’t matter that much to God.  And most days are filled with more love from her than my heart can actually contain. 

Mercy.

And I’m sure there are so many more that I have yet to uncover.

But for now, I want to help you see that when we live a life with God, even when we lose everything we think we need or want, He will create something beautiful as a result.  I said beautiful.  Not just OK and cleaned up.  But beautiful.

You may see the palm tree stumps as ugly.  But I bet from the inside, from the perspective of the swallows, the starlings, the owls and their babies, it is the most beautiful home they’ve ever seen.  I’m just guessing, because I know that God works like that.

There’s something about Santa Fe, New Mexico that makes me happy.  Maybe it’s the mixture of cultures and architecture.  Maybe it’s all of the artists.  Maybe it’s the old churches around the square.  Maybe it’s the memories.  We spent seven summers in a row there on our way home from vacation in Colorado.  It was the halfway point to home, but it was more than that to me.  Not just a place to spend the night, but a delightful experience I looked forward to each year.  And this one year in particular, I learned something special about the grace of God.

I rose early in the morning before we were to head home, and I recruited one of our daughters to walk to the center of town with me to get some coffee.  Only the breakfast restaurants were open as the sun was rising.  We found an adorable French bakery on the Plaza.  It was everything you’d want—beautiful pastries, provincial decor, and a legit Frenchman who greeted us with a “Bonjour!” when we walked in the door. 

“Bonjour!”  We responded.  

I scanned the menu board.  “I’ll have a latte and she’ll have a croissant, please.”  

He prepared the latte and the pastry.

Then he gave me my total, and I held out my debit card.  He smiled and then pointed at the sign next to the register.  It said, “Cash Only.”  

“Oh no!” I said.  

“I don’t have any cash with me.  I am so sorry.”

He smiled bigger, slid the coffee cup toward me and cheerfully chirped in his thick French accent, “It’s OK!  You can pay me next time!”

The whole interaction just left me feeling filled up.  

I think it’s because that’s what grace looks like.  That’s how God deals with us. He’s pushing a latte toward us even though we can’t pay for it.

When I don’t have enough, he covers the gap.

When I come up short, he fills in the empty space.

When I mess up, he hides the offense.

What I couldn’t possible pay for, he already paid in full.

That is grace.

This cheerful man left a beautiful mark on me.  And it felt really good.

The next year, when we rolled through Santa Fe, I told my husband, “Turn down this street.  I need to hop out!”   

I ran inside and saw my French friend.  I handed him some money and told him why I owed it to him.  He gave me a “Merci!” and a smile.  

I bet my return and my gratefulness made him happy, but he wasn’t waiting for it or requiring it.

I didn’t return because I had to. 

 

I returned because his kindness overwhelmed me.  And I didn’t forget him. His kindness drew me back.

My French friend was an example to me of how God interacts with us.  He’s delighted by our presence.  When we don’t get it right, he covers over it and sets us on our way.  He gives more than we expect.  His posture toward us is lovingkindness.

And our natural response to that lovingkindness is gratefulness and wanting to do what he asks of us.  Not because of duty.  But because his love compels us to move toward him.  

Do you have the eyes to see it?

Do you see his lovingkindness all around you—in the people you meet, in the strangers serving your coffee, in the way goodness comes your way when you’re not expecting it?  Open up your eyes and look for it.  That’s God’s grace.  Let Him show it to you today.

And then you get to slide a coffee cup across the counter to someone else who needs it. 

I took the oxygen tubing out of my daughter’s nose and carefully lifted the medical tape from her cheek.  I was careful not to hurt her skin or get any hair caught in the tape.  I can take the tape off quickly, or to do it slowly, with lovingkindness and extra care.

She looked at me with trusting eyes.  And I saw something.  She lives in a posture of total trust toward me.  She trusts me to take care of every one of her needs.  She cannot feed herself, dress herself.   She can’t stand up.  She cannot speak with words.  She trusts me to do all of those things for her. 

But she also trusts me to not hurt her.  To be gentle with her when I lift tape off of her cheek.  To gently pull her shirt over her head whenI undress her.  To brush her hair with care.  She trusts me to do that because she knows I love her.  She depends on me to take care of her basic needs.  But she also trusts me to do it carefully because she knows I love her.  There’s a difference between someone who cares for you because it’s their job and someone who cares for you because they love you.  And you can feel the difference, can’t you?

That look in her eyes moved me.  God spoke to me in that moment.  That look of complete trust and total dependence… that is what he has also planned for me.

What is true about God for me and for you

He loves me completely.  To pieces, actually.

I am his cherished child.

He is a good father.

He takes care of me.

He is careful with me.

I can depend on him.

Painful Necessities

Sometimes I have to do things that my daughter doesn’t like.  I know they are painful for her, but they are necessary to keep her alive.  I have to change her feeding tube button that goes directly into her stomach every three months.  I hate doing it.  I’m certain she hates it too.  But without it, she would not be able to eat.  It is a painful necessity that ultimately causes goodness in her life.  What pain are you going through right now?  Could it be necessary to create goodness for you?

She doesn’t doubt my love for her after the pain.  Because she believes I love her and she believes I am good.  She truly believes that about me, so she knows I would never allow pain in her life unless it was something necessary to create goodness for her.

This is possible

I know we can live like this in relation to God if we truly believe and accept that He loves us and he is good.  He may have to allow some pain, but it will always be for our good.  He may put parameters around us that feel like restrictive rules.  But they are always for our protection.  And He protects us only because He loves us. 

Just like my daughter trusts me, we can live in full dependence on God.  For all of the good things he has planned for us.  For all of our needs.  To take care of our emotions.  To take care of the big things and the small things.  And to be careful with us.  He is a careful caregiver because of his profound love for us.  Our part involves trusting Him and believing He is good.  If we can master that, we can live a life free of fear and worry.  A life of joy and freedom.  I totally believe that is possible.  How would your life look different if you really rested in the carefulness of your creator and actually trusted him to make goodness out of your pain?  Sit with it today.  And then again tomorrow until you find yourself living in a posture of trust and dependence.  That’s true freedom.

By Kerry D’Ortenzio

Sometimes I just want to pull the covers over my head and block out the world.  When I’m under stress, I want to hide and make it all go away.  

We often hear kids say that they just want to hide.  They want to hide forever.  Or they want to hide their face.  They want to blend into the background so that no one will notice them. Hiding is a natural human response to a lot of our painful emotions:  shame, insecurity, stress, and fear of the future. 

God Knows You Want to Hide

Because it is a natural human response, I find it extra beautiful that the bible says this about God:

“His massive arms are wrapped around you, protecting you.  You can run under his covering of majesty and hide.  His arms of faithfulness are a shield, keeping you from harm.”  

… “When we live our lives within the shadow of God Most High, our secret hiding place, we will always be shielded from harm.”

God knows our desire to hide.  He knows all about it.  So he addresses it in our language.  He actually refers to himself as our hiding place.

God Spoke

We have a lemon tree in our yard. Every year, it produces lemons, but this last year it went crazy. Like it hit its maturity and the lemons sprouted all over and grew beautifully and plentifully. We ate or gifted every lemon from that tree last summer. Every single one, and there were hundreds. I put lemon juice in my water every morning, in my green drink, in tea. I put beautiful shiny lemons in bowls on the counter and in bags to give to friends. The lemons brought me a little joy every single day.  I love this tree.

One day in June, realizing I had picked all of the beautiful, low-hanging fruit, I spotted the lemon I wanted. It was tucked back closer to the trunk. I carefully navigated my hand through thorns and leaves and grabbed that bulbous beauty. It came off the vine like butter, and I held it, gazing upon it in admiration. It was twice the size of the others with thick beautiful skin. And I said to that lemon, “Wow! You’ve been protected under those big, green leaves, defended by those thorns all summer. The birds and the bugs didn’t even attempt to get you.  And look at you. You have grown huge and so beautiful.”  Well maybe I actually just said, “wow” out loud and said the rest of that in my head, but I certainly thought it.

And I heard God say to me, And that is what I require of you.  

If you want to grow strong and beautiful, just stay close to me.  Listen to me and let me cover you with protection and care.

I have not looked at a lemon the same since.

Here’s what He’s been teaching me since that day:

What I want for you, is to sit with me and keep company with me. I want you to let me shield you.  And to cover you and care for you. I want you to learn from me. 

I want you to hide your life in mine, and I want you to know that all of the consequences are on me. Actually, your life is mine, so everything that happens to you is my responsibility. This is where your growth happens. This is where you beauty resides. Keep company with me. That’s what I require of you. 

Love and Freedom

That feels like a lot of love and freedom. God is not requiring me to take on the full weight of life and all of the consequences of it. 

He is requiring me to keep company with him and learn from him. And to allow him the honor of being in charge of the consequences. He says to me and to you, hand it over, child. Let it be my responsibility. It’s too heavy for you, and I’ve promised you that I won’t lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and learn from me and I’ll teach you to live freely and lightly.

My friend, I don’t know about you, but to me “freely and lightly” are some of the most beautiful words. That kind of life is possible. And I want it every day.  This is my rhythm. Resting close to the vine, under his leaves, protected and cared for. 

Doesn’t that sound wonderful to you?  Maybe you’ve been carrying a heavy load.  Maybe you’ve felt exposed and you just want to hide.  God calls himself your hiding place.  He says, stop thinking about everything on earth, and set your mind on me.  He says keep company with me.  He says get away with me.  He says let me cover you and hide your life in mine.

If you feel like hiding, I’m not here to say quit hiding. I’m actually saying, God offers you a hiding place in him because he knows you need it.  How loving.  How wonderful.  Take a load off, child, and rest.

 

 

“I’m not good enough.”  I know you feel like that sometimes.  I know that because everybody feels that way at least sometimes.  It seems to be a default of the human condition, especially in a culture where we are so profoundly influenced by external factors.  We can easily, readily see what other people are doing and achieving. And our society is subconsciously driven by the fear of not achieving, so it takes a conscious effort to actually accept and believe that you are good enough.  Because you actually are.  

Let’s rewind for a minute.  When was the last time you thought, I’m not good enough?  Maybe someone actually told you that:  You didn’t get the job.  You didn’t make the team.  She broke up with you.  

You literally were not enough.  For them. You were not the right match for them.  That does not mean you are not enough, it means you were not the match for what they needed.  Can you see the difference?  

Who determines your value?

Who are you giving the power to determine your worth? If you believe you are not good enough, you have allowed an external circumstance to define you.  You don’t have to live like that.

Not feeling good enough will manifest differently in different people’s lives.  If you’re like me, when you don’t feel good enough, you hustle harder.  It looks like proving you’re worthy through achievement, through being the best, through grasping for external goals as defined by our culture. 

Alternately, some people deal with not feeling good enough by running in the opposite direction.  They try to prove their worthlessness through self-destruction.  Self-harm.  Hurting others.  Is that you?  It looks different in everyone’s life, but if we rewind the whys of destructive behavior, we can usually find it…the belief that I’m not enough. If you’re hurting yourself or someone else, please tell someone.  Click one of the links above.  Or tell someone in your life who you trust.

Here’s how God sees you

In the Bible, there is a story Jesus tells (read it here) to illustrate how he values every human being.  In this story, a man goes out early in the morning to hire help to work in his vineyard.  The workers agree to the wage of one dollar a day.  Later in the day, he hires more workers and agrees to pay them the same—one dollar for the day, even though they are starting at noon.  Still later in the evening, same thing.  He agrees to pay the workers one dollar, even though they only have an hour left to work in the day. 

The guys who agree to work at dawn are ticked.  They made the same amount of money as the guys who came in right before sundown?  The estate manager replies, “Friend, I haven’t been unfair.  We agreed on the wage of a dollar, didn’t we?  I decided to give to the one who came last the same as you…are you going to get stingy because I am generous?”

Jesus’ story feels unfair and upside down to us because we are used to putting a price on nearly everybody.

This story shows a different way of determining our value based upon the fact that we simply are.  We get treated generously by God regardless of what we do or who we are.  That’s just true, good news. 

I have to quote Eugene Peterson here because his comments on this passage really revealed so much to me that I’d never seen before:

“[Jesus’ parable] is the simple, direct declaration that God calls you, which means you are significant, and that God gives you generous gifts, which means you are highly esteemed.

The workers in the parable found that no matter what time in their lives they got in on the work, they were still needed.They also found that no matter how many or how few hours they had put in, they were treated with dignity and grace.

The moment they decided to listen to what God said to them and pay attention to how God valued them—not to what others said about them or how they felt about themselves—they were on the way to getting their act together.

The moment you decide that, you will, too.”

You are Highly Valuable

 

Please let that sink in.  No matter who says what about you, God sees you as highly valuable.  He loves you, he is on your side and he’s actually coming after you.  Jesus told this story to help you see it.  To help you see that the truth is, your value is not determined by how much money you make, how well you play a sport, who says you are beautiful, who admires you.  Your value was determined a long time ago and it cannot be changed by external factors.  

Have you ever been in love?  If so, you placed the highest value on the object of your affection.  That person was more highly valued than anyone else in your life—They were your beloved.  Do you know that is exactly how God describes you?  He calls you his beloved.  He sees you has HIGHLY VALUABLE.  Not because of what you do or do not do.  But because you are his child.  His beloved child.  The object of his affection. 

Today is the day that you see yourself the way God really sees you, created you, and is begging for you to see yourself.  Whether you came at the beginning of the day (those are the people YOU think are good enough) or you were hired at 5PM (those are the people YOU think are less valuable), you are considered of HIGHEST VALUE.  PAID THE SAME WHETHER YOU WORKED ALL DAY OR ONLY AN HOUR.    That is the best news, and you’re gonna have to believe it.

 

Self-love

A lot of people recommend self-love as a remedy for not feeling good enough. But to me, the most unattractive human quality is someone who is “into themselves.”  If you’re working on loving yourself, chances are you will attract other selfish people to you.  That’s not what I’m getting at or what I want for you.

Confidence is attractive, but genuine confidence is believing that I am no more or less valuable than anyone else. Have you ever considered this?  That is right-sized confidence as far as I’m concerned.  That’s the message of the parable.  We are all valuable to God, no matter what our circumstances look like.  Whether we are a successful pastor or a man on the street corner.  Both are valuable to God and are the object of his affection.

If I could give you an assignment today, it would be this:  work on living a loving life, instead of working on self-love.  What does that mean?

Real love gives and expects nothing in return.  It is self-giving, not considering the worth of its object.  Living a loving life is a decision.  The more you love others unselfishly, the more your life will be filled with love.

How would your life be different tomorrow if you dropped the belief that you’re not good enough and truly believed that God esteems you and is on your side?  How would you feel? 

Valuable? Confident?  Beloved?  Those are true about you.  Your value has already been established and it’s the highest value you can imagine.  Highly esteemed.  That’s you.  Whether you’re at the front of the line or the end.  That’s you.

written by Kerry D’Ortenzio

Guest Post by Richard Mulder, Pro-Skateboard Legend

 

Hold on to Hope

Sometimes it feels like a battle to hold on to hope.  Over the past several days I’ve been emotionally wrestling with the recent suicides of a Southern California Pastor and a 27 year old Nutritionist in New York City. As someone who has been diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder, PTSD, and Panic Disorder––constantly contending with these illnesses––hope and nutrition are extremely huge components and an explosive arsenal in the battleground of my mental health. Processing these tragedies––being alone in my thoughts and feelings has provoked sadness, an awkward fear, and confusion within me––resulting in massive empathy for them as mental illness sufferers and grief for their loved ones, alongside an unfortunate, tempting dark invitation to hopelessness.

I understand the black hole

I have never considered suicide as an option for myself, but I have been afflicted with the emotional pain, torment, and suffering that severe anxiety and panic has brought on in the last 25 years. The closest that I have ever been to standing in the shoes of someone contemplating suicidal thoughts came upon me unexpectedly, in the winter of 2013. In that specific season, I was experiencing a large amount of panic attacks, and I had to travel overseas to Japan for work. Although I had traveled all over the world in past years, I could not get myself to get on an airplane this time around. My doctor had prescribed me a series of anti-anxiety medications, in which depression and fatigue were common side effects.

Prior to this prescription, I had experienced moderate (I guess they call it “normal”) depression from anxiety and panic’s debilitating effects, however the severity of depression that I was experiencing as a side effect was on another level. And for the first time, I found myself saying, “Oh–I get it.” I had encountered what many people have described and labeled as “the black hole.” The strength of its dark vortex felt unconquerable and unbeatable––I became so weak and small––deceived into feeling all spiritual strength lost and mental stamina forfeited. I could not show up to life or contend. I couldn’t get out of bed. I lost all desire for any and all things that had interested me in the past. I get it––after experiencing a glimpse of numbing despair I can sadly validate why people can just “check out”––and in that space you are not thinking whether you are being selfish or not, or anything else for that matter. Although there are many different reasons why people arrive to suicidal thoughts, for me to be emotionally standing at the door from a distance has gutted me for all those suffering mentally and consider this fatal option.

How I fight back

Under the care of therapists and doctors, along with supplements, EMDR, cognitive behavior therapy, exposure therapy, and group therapy––combating anxiety and panic with faith and nutrition have been paramount and foundational in my healing process and recovery. I daily surrender the process of my thoughts and feelings to my higher power, trusting that unconditional love and truth––in time––will bear the fruits of inner peace and healing in my soul. Just as important is the spiritual community where I can be transparent and fully known, as well as supported emotionally & spiritually during turbulent times on the journey.

I also make efforts each day to eat whole foods––mostly a plant based diet––which lowers my heart rate, restores my gut health (serotonin, which is a hormone and neurotransmitter, aka “the happy chemical”, plays an essential role in regulating mood, and it is estimated that 90 percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut), and I physically feel more energetic and resilient to deal with the daily emotional stress. For me to mentally process these two specific tragedies happening to these beautiful human beings doing meaningful things for others on this planet–– advocates of hope and physical wellness–––feels like a personal attack on the very foundational pillars for my mental health and overall well being. Although I do not know them, I feel like I have lost some personal, fellow team members. And if I’m alone to these thoughts for too long, I can give a voice to these anxious, irrational and catastrophic negative thoughts that start and sinisterly whisper, “What you believe and what you are doing doesn’t matter. You see––God doesn’t care. Eating healthy doesn’t matter either. You are never going to get better. You might feel better today, but it’s not going to last long.” Consequently, I’m clear that if I choose to not fight back, allowing these unpleasant thoughts to take up resident, a stronghold of hopelessness will be the result.

We do not battle alone

Now––what can I do with this inner contention? I have come to accept that in this battle for mental health and personal growth live combination of both glorious cognitive progress and joyous serenity––alongside unfortunate mental stress and tormenting setbacks.  I understand feeling what it means to be a human living in touch with Earth’s brokenness. However the difference is––with faith & hope, we must believe we fight from victory, not for victory. Eternally, the battle has already been won. The 14th Century English philosopher John Wycliffe once said, “To live by faith, is to die by faith.” I am going to believe that God has not given me a spirit of fear, but one of love, peace, and a sound mind. The road of redemption is not a road of isolation either. Of utmost importance, I need to consistently remain and stay in community––allowing myself to be known and vulnerable. A friend of mine who spent time in Northeastern Uganda said that he learned something invaluable about tribal communities. It was more than just being known, and everyone knowing everyone else’s business––It was necessary for survival itself. Why should it be any different in our own lives?

Hope:  things will get better

I must continue to fill my mind & heart with stories that breed hope. Along the same time that I have been processing what I called “the battle over hope” within myself, I read a paragraph in a book about the John Hopkins scientist Dr. Curt Paul Richter, and his discovery of the effects of hope. In the 1950’s he performed experiments on rats in which they could only swim in buckets of water for only 15 minutes in order to stay alive. They would sink and die after 15 minutes. However, when the swimming rats were given an intermission, and taken out and rescued before they sank––they were able to swim for 60 hours when they were put back in the water. In conclusion, Dr. Richter discovered that the rescued rats were given hope. The hope that they could be rescued was the stamina and resilience to keep swimming 240 times longer. Proverbs says “Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life”. Hope is just as necessary for thriving, as it is for surviving. Together let us continue to believe, contend, and stand steadfast in hope.

 

Life Isn’t Fair

We packed up everything in the middle of the night.  Pulled the girls out of their bunk beds and quietly left Flagstaff and our Labor Day weekend vacation in the middle of the night.  7 year old Reese was struggling to breathe.  We needed to get out of the altitude quickly.  Sometimes, life isn’t fair.

Our three older girls had plans to make pancakes and eggs with their cousins in the morning.  Olivia and her new neighbor friend had planned to play a game the next day.  Those plans were stripped bare suddenly when we peeled them away from their bunk beds and the cousins that night.

On this particular night my heart was aching.  One more time, they had to miss out on something they looked forward to because their medically fragile sister needed immediate attention.

The reality of raising a child with medical needs is it’s just really hard sometimes. I’m sure that’s obvious to most people.   But we also worry a lot about the siblings.  We worry about how to give them enough attention, how to make them feel important, we worry about them growing up bitter and angry.  We worry about having the time to teach them all of the important things.  Also, we worry about worrying about them.

It’s difficult to the mall, take a trip to Hawaii, or even run out to get toilet paper without scheduling it.  It’s just the way it is.  The siblings sometimes pay a great price.  Life is not as carefree as I wish it were for them.  

They worry about their sister dying. And I hate that they worry about that. 

We were driving back to Phoenix that night in the quiet darkness.  Nobody else was on the road.  My heart really hurt for them.  And I was really worried about Reese.

Olivia teared up as she said, “I didn’t get to say goodbye.”  

“I’m so sorry you guys. I know you had plans.  Thanks for getting in the car,” I told them, choking back my own tears.   

They were great sports about it, but all I could think was it’s really not fair.

After a minute of silence, I heard Faith whisper, “Thanks for being a great mom.”

“What do you mean?”

It was kind of the opposite of what I felt and what I was expecting.  Pulling children out of bed in the middle of the night didn’t seem like it qualified me for such praise.

“Thanks for doing whatever it takes for Reese.”

Not what I expected.  I was expecting disappointment and maybe some complaints from a 15 year old.  But I got to see unselfishness and understanding.  And also some gratefulness and compassion.  Those were hard-won after years of living a life watching her sister struggle.  It was a life changing moment for me.

Can the worst thing actually be the best thing?

A few days later, while driving 13 year old Mia to a rehearsal, I peppered her with questions about her childhood.  

“Would you say it has been awesome…good…or just OK?”

[Can you tell I’d been worried about them since our middle-of-the-night drive?  Yeah, just a little.]

“I’d say it’s been awesome.”

“Oh really????”  [huge mom smile]

“What would you say has been the best part of your childhood?”

Without hesitation, she answered, “When Reese was born.”

[Mom’s mouth hanging open, speechless, amazed at God, really]

That part really got me.  The thing I thought would be the hardest thing for her turned out to be the best thing.  That blows my mind.

Is God Actually Good?

I listened to an interview with an author I admire the other day.  In it, he recalled how his best selling book came to be.  It had been a really difficult year for them.  They’d lost everything financially, he was working 3 jobs to try to rebuild, and Christmas was coming.

His wife asked him to write something for their kids instead of trying to buy gifts.  He said she was thinking he’d write 4 pages.  Instead, he wrote a book, took it to Kinko’s, printed 15 copies, gave some to his friends and the rest to his kids.  Subsequently, his friends sent it to a publisher and it’s sold 20 million copies since.  

What really stood out to me in this story, even though he didn’t say it directly, was that the book wouldn’t have been written if God hadn’t allowed him to lose all of his money.  He wasn’t an aspiring author.  He never planned to publish the book.  But God allowed a painful, difficult situation in order to move him toward something bigger.  

I think this speaks to who God is.  He really is good.  He really is love.  That’s actually who he is, not just what he is like.  So we can know that everything that he allows to happen to us will turn out to be good for us.  That is just who he is.  That thinking changes all of our thinking.  It has changed my life.

When every thought is framed with the truth that God is actually working things out with goodness in mind, and he actually is involved in my life, there is absolutely nothing that can shake me.  The truth is, if we really believe that God is good.  That God is who he says he is.  Then whatever happens in our lives, whatever disappointments, devastations, discouragements, we can choose to look at them as something God is allowing in our lives for some good purpose.  Hang on and find out what the goodness is.  Aren’t you at least totally curious to see how your painful stuff turns into good?

It Can Still Be Good

You know what?  Just because life doesn’t look the way you thought it would doesn’t mean it can’t be good.  And sometimes those things we think are the hardest are the very things that are pushing us toward our destiny.  Refining us toward unselfishness.  Teaching us to overflow with compassion and love for other people.  I wouldn’t have designed my life like this.  I wouldn’t have chosen the pain.  But in retrospect, seeing all the ways that my pain has allowed God to work out beautiful things, I would not change one thing.  The most beautiful things in my life came as a result of the things I thought would be the worst.  It overwhelms me as God unveils pieces of his mysterious ways when I least expect it.  Hold on for the good stuff.